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The 5 Questions Most Feared
by Men Are:
1. "What are you thinking about?"
2. "Do you love me?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5. "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so difficult
is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the
man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses:
Question # 1:
"What are you thinking about?"
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this
question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted
you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question #2:
"Do you love me?"
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses
include:
a. Oh yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3:
"Do I look fat?"
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4:
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5:
"What would you do if I died?"
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a Corvette and a Boat") No matter how you answer
this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually
along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Uh oh.
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