Time and time again the story will be told of adolescents on a crazed run of what they call "fucking shit up".
Time and time again you will hear of various acts of destruction throughout your neighborhood.
This is a similar tale.  This is Corn 'Zine's Guide to Destruction.

It's not like you have a choice whether or not to do this as a teenager (or even older), you just do it.  You end up in a car one night, bored, strapped for something to do, and with an itchy trigger finger.  As you drive through construction someone suggests that you, "...snag that traffic cone," and it's simply a snowball rolling down a mountainside from there on out.  At this point you're wondering where we are going with this...  This, dear friend, is a guide of the rights and wrongs of pillaging.  We're not encouraging it because it's illegal and all of it is wrong, yes officer, we do not stand for it, but this article is for comedic purposes only.  Yes, of course.

First of all, select a driver.  You don't want someone who is incompetent behind the wheel.  This could make or break your night with a trip to the pokey or a trip to your basement with good stories to tell.  In selecting your driver, make sure he or she has a 4-door vehicle, preferably a Blazer or something of the like.  Here is a list of the pros and cons of different vehicles:

Vehicle Pros Cons
Blazer Lots of room to store people and intercepted materials, or projectiles Blazers are traditionally 2 door vehicles, which is bad when you have to wait for those in the back seat to get in and out (quickness is important at all times)
Station wagon See above see above
Pickup truck See above There is very little room in the cab of a pickup, so unless your buddies want to ride in the truck bed, don't use one
Sports car Speed No room, draws attention, easily damaged (expensive to fix)
Sedan Ultimate rock machine, 4 doors equals quick exit/entry, doesn't draw attention, trunk storage doesn't interfere with passengers, no one sees what you have in your trunk Not exactly a girl magnet (don't worry girls, we don't care what you drive)
Jeep Without the top it's the easiest to enter/exit, they are all terrain Not much room for storage

Now, you must have the right kind of music which should be whatever gets you ready to cause havoc.  This may be that new Ricky Martin CD your grandma just got you, or possibly that amazing musical masterpiece that Puff Daddy just put out, but we like to feel that AC/DC or Motley Crue does the trick.  Now, a quick checklist:

  • After you choose your soundtrack it's time to scope out the area.  Always make sure you don't see anyone awake.

  • If you do, don't let them see you on foot or stopping.

  • Find the object that will make the most noise to hit or break (not a house or store.  That is a bad idea.)

  • Be prepared to run at all times.

  • Make sure the driver stays ready to drive at all times IN THE CAR.

  • When you stop, lights off, music off.  Don't forget about that pesky dome light.

  • Don't break windows, other cars, buildings, etc.  That's just against the rules.

  • Nudity gets extra points.

  • Female nudity gets even more points.

So, there is a point scale?  No, not really, but we'll just pretend there is.  What's fun to do if you're going out for a night on the town?  Trash cans rolling down hills, soda cans explode on road signs, flour is also fun to throw, Walmart is your best friend, when in doubt, act instinctively.
So, is this the end?  Never.  This isn't an article that can ever be finished or 100% effective.  Different things work for different people.

DISCLAIMER:  Corn 'Zine does not condone nor condemn the acts listed in this article.

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